i fool myself to sleep & dream.

i sit scribbling this into my notebook.
my pen writes into the darkness & mute room.
i am crying; tears so real; i cant believe.
but why am i letting this get to me?
maybe to cope with my suffocating loneliness
i become obsessive.
until that obsession becomes my life, my whole.
why i want to continue living.
its my reason for staying
for hope & happiness.
so why do i feel so effected?
is it because i am realizing that all this is fake
a mere cover up of my own reality?
it is my escape, my only way out.
its a love i make for myself. to drown in it.
even if it is only a dream. fooling myself.
deeper into that world.

wonderful electric.

yesterday :

listening to dragonettes 'i get around' on repeat. the van she remix a mate sent me.
parker calls. 'i dont want to open it; its so beautiful'
he loves my homemade wrapping paper.
'its my favourite present' he says. i smile & glitter in the dark.
i'll call you later. later comes. 2am.
me watching alison sing church hymns.
in her disco costume & curly nest of hair.
'because the lord god made them all'
i laugh & fall in love with her even more.
i draw a pagan symbol on my finger.
parker doesnt call.
teatime. i dive into 'my summer of love'.
'of course seperation is to love as champagne is to parties'
i think of parker.
wishing i was hiding away in a closet full of old drama props. with alison.
we could be like tamsin & mona.

morning :

this time its goldfrapps 'stare mesto' playing softly in the distance.
days go by so fast. my new mate logs on.
'will sex for goldfrapp' - 'will goldfrapp for sex'
this continues for awhile.
enter the best friend. erotic dreams.
'goldfrapp was playing in the background'.
'i cant tell you'. 'please'. ok.
i told you her voice was like 'an innocent orgasm'.
'the best kind' he says.
no time to exersice. i feel fat.
dont eat, dont eat.
my hair actually looked good today.
the kind of messy pony we strive to don.
i feel happy. i found pretty alison photos.
'its odd how the littlest things can make you so happy & the stupidest things make you sad'
i say. 'mmhm' the new mate replies.

may i share my happiness with you?









Handsome boy and girl
You taunted til it broke
Sun has eyes
And sea is clear
A generic world is clean
White soft rope
White soft rope

love, A.